The Ten Things That Really Happen After Sex
Unfortunately, growing up means that you realise a lot of things don’t work out quite as you expected. The tooth fairy, Father Christmas, the super smooth first kiss and painless first wax. A rose-tinted, soft focus sexual aftermath is but one of those things.
So this is what really happens in place of the soft romantic glow and sweet nothings that the movies offer up. Here’s a few down and dirty truths about what to expect once the steam clears…
1. Checking Everything is Present & Correct
Anyone who has ever used a condom (and that should be all of us, if the red-faced school nurse bedecked with slightly bent cucumbers and barrier protection in Year 9 was worth her salt) knows that the worst case scenario is realising that something is still in there. No one wants to look at their partner with the words “weren’t you wearing a…” on their lips, not to mention the somewhat undignified fishing around that then has to follow. No. Just no.
2. Excessive Bodily Fluids… Everywhere
Sometimes, all that bump’n’grinding results in a pretty large quantity of the wet stuff; sweat. But hey, when you’re all hot and sensual and sliding all over each other, it’s barely even noticeable. In the cold light of aftersex, however, it is freaking disgusting. As the blood drains back to your head and the two of you slither apart, you suddenly realise that you ARE the wet patch. His sweat is EVERYWHERE. It is GLISTENING on your body, which is far less attractive than it was when glistening on his.
Not only that, but if you’re with someone who isn’t already resigned to your clean-freak ways, you have to try to be normal and bide your time before legging it to the shower, lest they assume you have some weird anti-sex type of OCD. Or, ya know, normal standards of human hygiene.
3. Assessment of the Wet Patch
The dreaded wet patch. Although this is generally less of a taboo and more a standard and accepted part of reality, we still can’t help but feel betrayed by the complete removal of the wet patch from romantic scenes in any film, TV show or book. There’s none of these damp sticky barriers in the beds of Mills & Boon characters, leaving wet imprints on the muscular thighs or snow white hips of the heroes and heroines.
In long term relationships, however, it is ever present and, in fact, it’s actually been known to completely quash sexual intent altogether, when welcome advances have rapidly deteriorated into a ‘my side or yours’ row. It’s that bad, people, that bad.
4. Cuddle Debate
Now this is an instance when long-term-relationship sex definitely wins out. There’s not many occasions in which the steamy-stranger-sex can be beaten, with the relationship sex usually losing out on such superiority rankings as leg shaving, suspender wearing and general adventurousness (wait – an adventure isn’t trying to simultaneously have sex while cooking tea during the adverts of Strictly on a Saturday night?), but once you’ve been with the same partner for a fairly decent period of time, you come to an agreement where post-sex cuddles are concerned. When it comes to new shagging arrangements, however, the cuddle debate is a minefield of misinterpreted meanings. Is wanting to cuddle too needy, too clingy, too soft? Is not wanting to cuddle too harsh, too unromantic, too cold? Tread carefully, my friends, post-sex decisions like these will set the standard for the rest of your relationship to follow.
5. The Awkward Departure
So, aside from the overall cum-and-run departure to consider, there’s also the actual physical departure from the bed itself. On screen, romantic encounters somehow often result in both parties each accumulating a sheet to coyly wrap around themselves as one slinks smoothly off to the bathroom and the other basks in the non-damp-patch of the non-sweaty afterglow of their perfect relations.
Unless you live in a world where a 19th century handmaid makes your bed every morning, you don’t have multiple sheets on your bed. Most people just have the one quilt. So, if you’re the one to leave Sin Central first, you have to brave running naked across the room while undergoing the post-sex inspection or steal the quilt as you go, leaving the other person unexpectedly rather exposed in your wake, damp patch and all.
6. The Naked Penguin Shuffle
Once that’s all decided and you’ve made a break for it, the female readers will understand what I mean by the Penguin Shuffle being the next awkward/revolting step of the sexual aftermath. Condoms are our best friend when it comes to this, as they pretty much eradicate the fear of the flow. Nothing is less attractive for both parties than the results of the last twenty minutes making its second appearance by running down your leg as you skip merrily to the toilet. Forget the walk of shame; it’s the waddle.
7. Discovery of the A.S.A (After Sex Accessories)
There is nothing more telling about a person than their post-sex secrets. Do they have tissues on the bedside table, specifically for the purpose? Do they have a secret stash of wetwipes? Or, in actual fact, do they call the small towel on the hand rail of their bathroom a ‘dick towel’, with which they wipe their freshly swilled member after sexual relations? What does that say about them – and what, more to the point, does that say about you? Expect all these questions and more once you make the grand discovery of their A.S.A.
8. The Sex Text
We live in an age of social media, instant communication and emojis; there’s nothing we can’t say in 140 characters. And hell, do we like to share. It’s not that we necessarily want to post the ‘OMG check out the guy I just slept with @…. Score!’ for our grandmother, boss and next door neighbour to see, but we’ve all holed ourselves up in a foreign bathroom to send a quick textual of the sexual to our bestie.
9. Hungry like the Wolf
Forget the after-sex smoke; it’s all about the cheese toastie. All that gr-graining on that wood, a la Queen Bey, is bound to work up an appetite, right? Someone who shall remained nameless once timed a takeaway to arrive straight after they’d done the deed. Now that, my friends, is good forward planning.
10. No. Energy. Need. Sleeeeeep.
How does it happen? One minute you’re riding high (excuse the pun), wide awake with all your senses buzzing, the next it’s all over and you’re drooling on your pillow. Who needs Hawlicks when 15 minutes of the good stuff (ok 10, ok 6 and a half) can put you to sleep faster than you can turn out the lights? The worst thing is discovering at this beautiful, sleepy, heavy moment that you’ve inadvertently been getting cosy with a pillow talker. Hopefully, they’ll get the hint when you start snoring.